Tuesday, April 17, 2012

God's Hand

So much has hapened in the last year it would be impossible to write it all. And quite frankly some things are so painful still that words still don't come with out the tears. Everything still is up in the air, but through it all I have grown in my walk with God. I can for the first time in my life (36years) feel his peace in the midst of what most would call true Heart Brake.
Despite where God has me right now, He has blessed me with four beautiful amazing adorable children. Who I look at daily and deeply love in a way I never truly never imagined possible.
Life can turn on a dime and what you knew as your reality can become your nightmare, but God is still there in the midst of it all. And even while facing what in my humaness still feels impossible, I am trusting God for his miracles and faithfullness to the faithful.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Rolling River God

These days I find it hard to find joy in the day to day. My heart is heavy with a lot of WHY'S. I feel lost in mothering, overwelmed in it all. Feeling every day leaves me more dry and less fullfilled. I never thought I would feel this way, and the guilt alone is enough to sufficate me.

My kids, ALL of them are a blessing to me and a miricle truly. That is a fact that will not change. But something is off. Things are not right inside and I don't know why or what to do. So I am on my knees......

Rolling River God
Little are smooth, only once the water passes through
So I am stone
Rough and graining still, trying to reconcile this rivers chill.

But when I close my eyes and feel you rushing by
I know that time brings change
And change takes time.
And when the sunset comes
My prayer would be this one
That you might pick me up and notice that I am
Just a little smoother in your hand.

Sometimes ranging wild
Sometimes swollen high
Never have I known this river dry.
The deepest part of You
Is where I want to stay
And feel the sharpest edges wash away

So when I close my eyes and feel you rushing by
I know that time brings change
And change takes time.
And when the sunset comes
My prayer would be Just one
That you might pick me up and notice that I am
Just a little smoother in your hand.

Rolling River God
Little are smooth, only once the water passes through.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Unexpected Blessing

Well it appears we are going to be welcoming # 4 into our family. To say it is Unexpected is an understatement. I don't think there is actually a word for what this news was to us.

For those of you who know our entire story, it has been a long and eventful one. With the unexpected happening around every turn. The twins were a miricle from God 5 years in the waiting. And their arrival was a true miricle. We were a happy blessed family. The wanting was over, the blessings had arrived.

Then when the twins were 15 months I was pregnant again. Something we thought was not possible. I went through a miscarriage at 8 weeks and we wondered why we were here again. Experiancing the pain we had thought we had left far behind. 2 months later I was pregnant again and also lost this one. Our hearts were broken and just too damaged to see going through any more loss. We decided to permanetly close this door and enjoy the gift of our twins. But God had other plans. While I went through the miscarriage (as these things don't happen over night) and waited to be able to set up the apt. to close this chapter, God dropped a huge suprise in our laps. I was tired again and all the other signs of pregnancy but I was still going through this miscarrige and getting blood work done to make sure my numbers were going down, so this couldn't be. I called the Dr. and asked for my latest blood work and expressed my concerns in mountains of tears. They called me back and sure enough. Your numbers are 18,000 please come in for an ultrasound. I indead was pregnant again.

Terrified is all I felt. I didn't want to go through another loss. 5 miscarriages was enough I said why am I here again? Please don't let us go through more heartache. Well God was faithful to our request and Samuel was born March 22 of 2010. And his birth was yet another miricle as we were told on the operating table, "Kim had you gone into full labor on your own you would have ruptured. Your uterus is so thin from the twins. You should really not have anymore children." And we were ready to once again close the door and felt our family was complete.

So once I had healed from his delievery 3 months later I went through a permanante process (Adiana) to have my tubes blocked for good. Once they do the procedure you wait 3 months as scar tissue developes around the silicone balls they have placed in your tubes. Then you go for a special EXRAY to make sure your tubes are blocked. So in September after doing blood work to prove I was not pregnant I went for the ExRay. The next day was called by my Doctors office and told, "Kim your Exray shows full eclusion of your tubes you are safe to resume regular ACTIVITY. HA HA......

So we went back to life as normal and thought our family was complete. Then one month later at the end of October I started to feel tired really tired and sick and night. I ignored it for a week telling myself (This can't be possible I must just be over tired and not sleeping enough) Then a week later the symtoms got worse, I was needing to sleep during the day and sick most of the time. So as Mike was in Trial and not home most nights until late, I loaded up the kids and we went to CVS and got dare I even say it a PREGNANCY TEST. We got home and I put them in my room to watch a movie while I took the test. As I watched the POSSITIVE SIGN appear, my knees buckled, I began to shake and could not catch my breath. I started going in circles in the bathroom repeating, "This can't be happening, this can't be happening" and the tears began to flow.
I ran outside and called Mike on the phone. Poor guy. Everytime I have been pregnant I have had to tell him over the phone for one reason or another. As I did my best through paniced tears to relay this unbelievable news. He tried to calm me down and we agreed to call his dad to take me to this hospital for blood work to confirm so we would not have to wait the weekend for the news.
Mike got home and Dave arrived and off I went to the hospital. It was the longest hour of my life as we waited for the lab to call us back for the results. I kept telling myself, "It has to be negative, there is no way it can be possitive, it was just a false read of the counter test" And as we walked back into the lab and the techs said, CONGRADULATIONS!!!! Once again my knees buckled. Dave had to hold me up and walk me out as I began to cry hysterically.
Once I calmed down a little and I stress a little. I called Mike gave him the news and he took in in stride. Telling me "We will be ok Kim we will get through this" I then went for an Ultrasound to confirm how far along I was. It said 6 weeks exactly.
Mike and I spent the weekend trying to absord the news and prepare once again to hold our breath for the next 6 weeks in fear of another misscarriage.
Each week passed and my ultrasounds continued showing a growing baby. I struggled with feelings of anger and fear wondering why I was here again. We had made a decision to be done and even that meant nothing. I sturggled with guilt for feeling this way at all considering all we had been through to have kids. I never thought the same HOT TEARS that stung my cheeks in the face of never being able to have kids would be running down my cheeks in such a different way. Did this make me a terrible person? What is wrong with me.
Well I have struggled and spent the last weeks trying to put in all in perspective. And though I am not 100% there yet. I know God wants this baby for us and though I don't see it now, there is a reason for all of this. So I will continue to process all of this and begin to plan for yet another miricle baby to join our family of miricles.