Minute By Minute: August 2010

My Infertility Journey

December 2006

It’s hard to know how to begin, I have dealt with female health issues since I was 18 years old when I was diagnosed with Endometriosis, but my Infertility Journey started just over 4 years ago.

My name is Kim Reid and my husband’s name is Michael Reid. We have been married for almost 6 ½ years. We met at church, fell in love, and after dating for 4 ½ years we married in 2000. During that time, Mike was in his first year of Law School at Loyola Law School. We lived in Hollywood for the first two years of our marriage while he finished school. Looking back now we have some fond memories of our humble beginnings and often wonder how it all went by so fast. After he finished Law School in 2002, we moved back to Fullerton closer to our family and friends. Mike studied for his Bar Exam and I made our new apartment feel like home. In July 2002, Mike took the BAR Exam, which takes several months to receive the results and during that time we began talking about starting a family.

On October 27th 2002, I found out I was pregnant for the first time. We were so excited and in somewhat of disbelief as we had only been trying for one month. Six weeks into the pregnancy I started bleeding and we thought I had miscarried, but an ultrasound showed twins. Again we were in shock but overjoyed. I went on bed rest, but two weeks later on November 21st, 2002 at 8 weeks, I lost my precious babies to a miscarriage. The next day I had to go in for a DNC. This was also the day we would be getting my husbands results for the Bar. Making that drive to the hospital was so hard. Just knowing what was coming and that this would definitely make it final. When we returned from the hospital, I went to bed and my husband waited for the time to pass so he could get the results of the Bar exam. I tried to sleep but couldn’t. I just lay in bed praying, begging the Lord to give us good news as I couldn’t see how we could bare another devastation. At about 5 or 6pm Mike walked into the room and told me he had passed. We both held each other and cried. What a day of bitter sweet news. This day changed our lives forever.

Never before in my life have I experienced pain like the pain of loosing my twin babies. My entire world caved in around me. How could I love something I never held? But I did. They were a part of me on the deepest level and now they were gone. The finality was inconceivable. I will never hold them, see them, know them, rock them, here them laugh, see them smile. I wanted to turn back time and the what if’s just kept playing in my mind over and over again. But nothing could bring them back. My husband of course was also devastated but wasn’t connected to the babies like I was. I believe when you loose a pregnancy so early that it is hard for the husband to understand the depth of your pain and heartache. I had no visible signs yet of being pregnant, you couldn’t see my belly or feel the babies kick, it was more of an idea for him then a reality and I have found that true from other women’s stories as well. My husband has never wavered in his support and love for me, but has voiced how he just didn’t understand my pain at times.

Slowly time began to march forward and you feel this rush to be NORMAL again. But what is NORMAL? I believe this is an area where outsiders fail to see, NORMAL, has changed for you forever. You will never forget your loss and the loss is now a part of your NORMAL, so everything is sort of skewed by this fact and you just can’t react the same way to things ever again and people just fail to see this. The healing process is slow and often one step forward two steps back. I have learned that no one can tell you (when it is time to move on) you have to find that out for yourself and it is different for everyone.

During this time of healing and searching, my husband and I held on tight to each other and our faith that God still had a plan for our lives amidst our loss and heartache. A verse that was key to me during this time was

Psalms 27 vs 14

“Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord”.

Jesus is just a prayer away

When the road is steep

Pray

When your hope is weak

Pray

Know the Father hears you through

The silence and the tears you cry

Pray

It was about 2 months later that we decided we were ready to begin trying again. Grant it, this didn’t mean the pain was gone. I was still dealing with the memories on a daily basis but felt a need to begin trying as a way to move on. Then as each month passed with no success the pain seemed to grow bigger and bigger. Each month was a reminder of failure and of what we had already lost. Bleeding for me has become something that is very traumatic. Just the sight of blood makes me remember my miscarriage. So each month was very painful to go through.

Then came “Mothers Day”. What a painful day this was. To most of society I am not a mother, but to me I AM A MOM. I had two precious babies in heaven that I missed daily. The day was full of emotions that just overtook me. I felt out of place in my own skin. I prayed I would never have to go through another “Mothers Day” with empty arms.

A few months later in early July came the due date of the twins. That was a day of hell. It was like I woke up and it was all fresh pain again. So fresh it took my breath away. All I had to remember them by was a small ultrasound picture of there two small figures and I held that and cried until there were no more tears. By this time I was feeling bitterness towards God. Again something my husband couldn’t understand. He tried to be supportive, but it was hard, I know. I couldn’t understand why God wouldn’t let me get pregnant again. Why he wanted me to stay in this dark whole of unbearable pain. WHY? Became a question that never left my mind.

Then one month later it happened. I was pregnant again. I was so excited but terrified at the same time. We both were gun shy and rightly so. I remember it was a Monday, August 4th 2003. I took the day off of work and drove to my husbands’ office to give him the news. He smiled, took a deep breath and hugged me. But within two days the nightmare was beginning again. I was spotting. I went to the Dr. for blood work and tried to stay calm but the fear just ate me alive. On Friday morning on my way to work, August 8th 2003, I got the call from my Dr. The blood work wasn’t good, I was loosing the baby. Miscarriage # 2

Here, in this place, with emotion I will praise you.

And here, in this place, you embrace me as I am

Here, without fear, I can climb into your lap and cry,

And here, bathed in tears, the un-known is put to rest.

My life is overwhelming; it’s hard to see the things you see,

Your Spirit comes to comfort me.

I will praise you, I will praise you, I will praise you here.

To put into words what I felt at that moment I believe is impossible. My world stopped and all I could do was SCREAM. I screamed in my car all the way home. I screamed the news to my husband over the phone through sobs of tears and then when I got home, I screamed at God until I had nothing left to give. The sense of betrayal was so huge for me at this point. My anger at God was so real and so consuming. I couldn’t understand how a God who supposedly loved me would allow this to happen to me again. After all, I had prayed to never have to go through this again. Why did he not hear me? I had knocked and the door had been opened only to be shut in my face a moment later. Why? How could this be his plan? I had never before questioned my faith but now I was questioning the very existence of God. I vowed to never pray again as it seemed pointless to me. I remember one evening soon after the news came I spoke to my husband about all I was feeling. He was gentle with me but reminded me that prayer is not done just to get an answer we want. Sometimes God’s plans are different and we shouldn’t pray in such a way that we put God in our box, but remember to pray according to HIS WILL. I was grateful that he could still see clearly as I was blinded by pain that would not let me go.

Lay it all down

I’m letting go, giving it back to you

Placing my life in your hands

I’m starting over again.

Surely heaven knows the beauty of your plan.

I don’t even now where I would be w/out your love

So take this life I’ve known and make it yours alone

I’m starting over again.

Healing from the second miscarriage has been a tough road because it has been compounded by the first. I was feeling so lost and so angry. It was several months before we started trying again and again it became month after month of failure and frustration. Why was everyone around me getting pregnant and I couldn’t?

Then came the news that my sister was pregnant. I have never felt so cheated in my life. I struggled showing happiness for her. It was an extremely hard time for me. I experienced jealousy like never before and the anger that had just seemed to become a part of me was on full force. A few weeks later I had to face yet another Mothers Day. I could hardly bare to do this again. I was so numb the entire day and I believe that is the only way I got through it.

Still experiencing no success trying, my husband and I began house hunting. This gave me something to look forward to and get my mind off my hurting heart. Then another blow. One evening, leaving our realtors office after signing papers for our new house my husband dropped the bomb. My other sister was also pregnant. The knife in this one was she was not married and had only known the guy 3 months. Once again I lost it. I had my own car so I drove myself home and again I screamed at God. It all felt like a sick joke. Why did she deserve the blessings of a child when she was sinning in sex before marriage? Why when I had done it the right way was God withholding this blessing in my life. She was already 3 months along and just two weeks behind my other sisters due date. She had not told anyone until now, due to the circumstances but the news had to come now as she was beginning to show. It’s one thing to have friends in your life pregnant. You can regulate the frequency in which you see them and set boundaries that make things less painful for you. Family is different. I couldn’t not see them. I couldn’t not attend their baby showers. How was I going to do this?

In July 2004 after moving into our new home I was facing my second Laparoscopy Surgery. My first one was when I was 19 and diagnosed with Endometriosis. Now my Dr. felt it was necessary again due to my inability to get pregnant. It had been a year since the 2nd miscarriage and still no success and I was experiencing irregular bleeding again. My surgery was done in August of 2004.

After about a month and healing from the surgery we spent the next 3 months on cycles of Clomid. The side effects of this drug on me were terrible. I felt like I was loosing my mind. I felt sick all the time, I cried all the time for no reason. I had hot flashes and night sweats and after all this still no success. Each failed month a painful reminder and a discouragement. By this time it was Christmas and we needed a break. So we took the next two months off from trying. Even though we knew we needed a break it was hard to do because I just felt like I was loosing more time. But we were exhausted emotionally as well as physically. We needed time to just rest and not have this as a daily thing to deal with.

We made it through the Holidays and both of my sisters’ deliveries in January of 2005. It was a Bitter Sweet time. I have been blessed with a niece and nephew who I love like they were my own.

My irregular bleeding was back after stopping the Clomid so before starting to try again we visited my doctor in February of 2005. My cervix was bleeding so I had to have it frozen. Something I had gone through at the beginning of our marriage as well. At this appointment he encouraged us to see a Fertility Specialist, one he and his wife had gone to. So we made our apt.

In March 2005 we went to see her (Dr. Ary) we got all the information as to what our choices were and then we took time to talk it over. We decided that we weren’t ready to move forward in this direction (IUI or IVF) financially or emotionally. I had done some reading on Acupuncture and the success it had in women who were unable to get pregnant. We decided to give this a try. So in May of 2005 I started Acupuncture. For the next 6 months I went twice a week to the Acupuncturist and took several Herbs several times a day. These visits were taxing on me emotionally. Then as each month passed with out success we just started loosing hope again that this too was not going to work. At the end of the six months my bleeding was still happening and of course we weren’t pregnant, and by this time it was November and the Holidays were upon us again. So again we took a much needed break.

We made an apt to see my Dr. in January of 2006. He examined me due to my bleeding and ordered a special test to be done because he saw the bleeding coming from my uterus and he suspected Polyps were the cause of this. We were taking a vacation in late January to Hawaii so the test was scheduled for the beginning of February. The test was a painful one and it did show two Polyps in my uterus. Surgery was scheduled for March 2006. They removed the two polyps but my recovery was not fun. I believe my body had had enough and my stress levels were so high. What should have been a 3 day recovery took me two weeks. And even then it took me another month to feel normal again. I suffered from anxiety attacks and feeling afraid of everything. It was like I went through a breakdown at this point. My body just had had enough. I felt like I was loosing my mind and at times I was afraid I was slipping from reality never to return again. With the help of family and prayer from loved ones I was able to pull through and within a few months I started feeling like myself again.

It has now been six months since my last surgery to remove the polyps. I had about 3 months of no symptoms and feeling good. During this time we tried on our own with the intention of starting IUI in August of 2006. This giving me time to come back from a difficult recovery period of the surgery and be ready to move on. However God had other plans or so it seems. The last two months I was noticing some red flags. I was bleeding a week before my period and then this last month I started bleeding mid month which told me things were once again not right. I was again back at my Dr. Office. He said he doubted anything was wrong but ordered the test again for my piece of mind. He truly has been a great Dr. The test came back showing two more polyps. He couldn’t believe it and I didn’t want to believe it.

So in October 2006 I had yet another surgery to once again remove the polyps. This news was more than frustrating, more than devastating. The constant pattern of hitting walls each time we so desperately wanted to move forward in trying to conceive was so wearing on us individually and as a married couple. The stress this brings into your life is unexplainable in words. Yet it rips through your daily reality like a tornado.

Surgery was good this time. Recovery was short and quick.

Each time we have attempted to move forward in the past 5 years we have hit a wall either through devastating loss or my health. It has been overwhelming to say the least. I feel guilty that I am not healthy and that wears on me. The last several years have been hard for many reasons. Hard because our prayers still go unanswered. Hard because my health continues to put up road blocks with us trying (weather it be naturally or IUI or IVF). Hard because people; though meaning well, can hurt you so deeply with there comments and ignorance on the subject of infertility.

(“just go on vacation and you’ll get pregnant”, “just adopt and you’ll get pregnant” “stop stressing and you will get pregnant” “don’t adopt cause you will get a drug baby” “what is wrong with you why can’t you get pregnant like you did before?” “you need to get over your loss and move on” “mothers day isn’t about you it’s about mothers” “stop being selfish and think of others and go to the baby shower” “Aren’t you pregnant yet”)

Hard because it effects your life on a daily basis weather you want it to or not. It is always there staring you in the face with its ever ridged schedule, (Is it time to test? Is it time to try? Did it work this time?) It is hard on a marriage to go through this kind of strain for years at a time. You loose the intimacy of being together as it becomes a chore or a routine; I dare say something at times you dread instead of something you enjoy. You want normalcy but you don’t know what that is anymore because your life has become (TRYING) to have a family and it is just not happening. You feel on the outside of friends and family because you are not parents. You can’t relate to your peers any longer because they are in a stage of life that you are still dreaming about becoming a part of. You shy away from baby showers due to the intense pain they cause you. You die a little bit inside every time you hear of another friend of family member who is pregnant. You are isolated at dinner parties with friends because no matter what, the conversation always goes to their children and then you find yourself just sitting there staring at each other and wanting desperately to leave as you feel so uncomfortable and invisible. Church is a hard place to find a place you fit in. Bible studies are a definite NO because women always talk about their struggles and joys of being mothers and couples our age all have kids as well so you talk about that. There are no support groups for what you are facing. It is an unspoken heartache in the church, something I wish was different. You feel so out of place at a place where you should feel at home. Churches are centered on the family and when you don’t have that it is a very lonely place to be.

Somewhere along my journey I began to wonder if I would fail at motherhood and that is why God wouldn’t allow me to be pregnant. I wonder if in the silence, God is screaming at me “I don’t want this for you so stop trying”. Every time we attempt to move forward, we hope it is Gods will, but we just don’t know. We beg for a sign in the silent darkness that has become our life, but we see nothing and hear nothing. You wonder about His Promises and do they pertain to you? You are knocking and wondering why the door is not being opened. And each year goes by and your arms are still empty and I still miss those babies lost to miscarriage. We wonder where God is taking us and when will the light appear again.

Never in our dreams did we imagine that this is what our life would be like. Everyone just thinks when you want to start a family, you just start one. But we have learned that sometimes it is not that simple.

If I could give encouragement to anyone with what I have learned at this point in my journey it would be the following. Not everyone will understand so find those few true friends who will. I have 3 girlfriends who I entrust my deepest and sometimes darkest feelings to. They allow me to be where I am at in that moment and they encourage me in Christ. Be patient with yourself and your feelings. They will go up and down and that is ok. Keep communication open with your spouse. For women, our husbands won’t always understand our feelings as we deal differently with this journey, and that is ok. Still talk to each other or just be quiet with each other and hold one another. Sometimes in the silence our hearts speak for us and that human connection is important to keep alive in your marriage. Pray together. I know I have found this challenging in my journey as it is so easy to feel so far from God when you don’t feel him in your journey due to the silence. But He is still there. I have also found journaling to be very therapeutic. It makes what is happening to me, real, to put it on paper and it is cleansing as well. Find a hobby. Going through this journey is a lonely empty place; I have found that being able to fill it with something you enjoy helps. I learned to knit and I truly enjoy this. Subscribe to a support letter or website. There are several out there and reading others story’s and journeys helps you not feel so alone. The websites are nice as well because you can email others who are going through the same thing as you. (www.hannahsprayer.org)

We are still walking this dark silent road of Infertility. I don’t have all the answers to our story yet. The only thing we can and continue to hold on to is the HOPE that God is not finished yet. I lean often on this verse for comfort and the ability to get through one more day.

2 Corinthians 12 vs. 19

“And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weakness, that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

Casting Crowns (Praise you in this storm)

My strength is almost gone.

How can I hang on?

I was so sure that by now you would have reached out and wiped our tears away

That you would have come and saved the day

But her I am again

And I say Amen.

I hear you whisper through the pain

I AM WITH YOU

And as your mercy falls I raise my hands

And praise the God who gives and takes away

I will praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands

For you are who you are no matter where I am

Every tear I‘ve cried you have held in your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise you in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind

And you heard my cry

My strength is almost gone

How can I carry on if I can’t find you?

As the thunder rolls I barely her you whisper through the rain

I’m with you

As your mercy falls

I praise the God who gives and takes away.

I lift my eyes to the hills

Where does my help come from

My help comes from the Lord

Maker of heaven and earth.

I will praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands

For you are who you are no matter where I am

Every tear I‘ve cried you have held in your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise you in this storm

Finally after my recovery from the last surgery we were ready to pursue our first round of IUI on the 1st of November. It was a hard month for us both. The daily injections were hard to give myself. I also faced endless Dr. Appointments as Blood Work and Scans were done every other day for 2 weeks. Each one I had to attend alone. The mood swings that came with the shots and then the unbearable waiting after the Insemination. I refer to it as the Dark Side of Hell. You have to go about your daily life which for me was at times impossible as my mind is constantly flooded with thoughts of WHAT IF’s on both sides of the coin.

A journal of the horrible waiting before the news comes.

11-28-06

I am at the end of my rope. My rope of faith, of hanging in there, and of pushing forward, I am at the end of it all. I am staring failure in the face yet again this month. After $2500 of shots, blood-work, scans, hopes and dreams we are yet again looking at NOTHING. WHY??? I want to scream and WHERE THE HELL IS GOD? I feel so angry and betrayed. Like I am doing all I can and I feel like God is just standing there doing nothing. We pray daily for a miracle and it is like he is laughing at us. I watch everyone around me get pregnant; friends, unmarried coworkers, family and we are left standing here with nothing but broken dreams wondering why we aren’t good enough to be parents too.

I want to throw things, scream at the top of my lungs, get drunk and run away from it all, but I am here at work trapped in a life that I don’t recognize as the dreams I had for myself. It doesn’t even begin to resemble what I had hoped for and dreamed of.

With every passing minute I feel more and more reality of failure setting in as my body continues to tell me my period is coming. My cramps, short temper, emotional rollercoaster, all the dreaded signs of FAILURE. It’s funny how much I have come to despise my body. The very thing I can’t escape is myself and it is the very thing that continues to fail me every month.

11/29/06

Wow today is just a mean joke. I know my period is coming but it just wont’ start. I have prayed for God to just bring it so I can have some time to accept this all before the wedding and again I feel unheard and angry. I just don’t understand this anymore. Why do I bother with my prayers and my tears at all anymore when I am not being heard? They say keep striking the flint and soon a spark will come, or don’t stop praying, or God knows best. Somehow those instill more anger and betrayal in my heart then comfort these days as it all continues to play out like a big joke. I ask for things and I get the complete opposite EVERY TIME.

I don’t know how I am going to get the courage and strength to do this procedure again. I am so full of disillusionment, anger and I have no faith left that I can see. How can I do this again? How do I gear up to go through the shots, mood swings, daily fear and anxiety, hopes, dreams, dr. apt’s, the stress of it all with any once of faith that it is worth it? Because right now none of this is worth it anymore. I am tired, angry, betrayed and the only thing I feel I have the strength to do is run, run away from it all.

I am sitting here at work surrounded by my own heartbreaking thoughts. I can’t concentrate, my eyes keep tearing up. I despise my own body. I hate my body in fact. Right now I am having thoughts of destroying it, oh how I wish I could. It is no good to me. It only brings me pain, deep pain that never leaves and that nothing can quench. It is like I am screaming, GOD THERE IS ONE THING TO END THIS ALL ONE THING AND YOU WON’T DO IT, WHY, WHY WON’T YOU GIVE ME THE DESIRE OF MY HEART, WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH, WHAT MORE DO I HAVE TO DO?

You can always count on God to make the "afterward" of difficulties, if rightly overcome, a thousand times richer and fairer than the forward. "No chastening . . . seemeth joyous, nevertheless afterward . . ." What a yield!

Where is my afterward? Where is my relief from this desert?

KEEP close to Christ, if conflict sore betide;

Stand fast, remembering He is at your side

To give you strength

In battle, and the victor's palm at length.

German, tr. by FRANCES E.COX

It is so hard for me to keep close to God when I am angry at HIS WAYS and do not understand them. Help me………………………..

IF we would endeavor, like men of courage, to stand in the battle, surely we should feel the favorable assistance of God from heaven. For He who giveth us occasion to fight, to the end we may get the victory, is ready to succor those that fight manfully, and do trust in His grace.

THOMAS À. KEMPIS

I am having a hard time feeling the favorable assistance of God from heaven. Lord help me. Find me, save me, be with me. I am frightened of what lies ahead and uncertain how to do this anymore. Help me Lord.

He will give the victory into thy hands, if only thou wilt fight manfully by His side, trusting not in thyself, but in His power and goodness. And if the Lord delay awhile to give thee the victory, be not disheartened, but believe assuredly (and this will also help thee to fight resolutely) that He will turn all things which may befall thee, those even which to thee may seem farthest removed from, yea, most adverse to thy success, all will He turn to thy good and profit, if thou wilt but bear thyself as a faithful and generous warrior.

LORENZO SCUPOLI

As the spotting begins so begins my grief of yet another failure. I’m at work pretending all is well. Smiling and saying good morning and I’m fine how are you and inside I am SCREAMING get me out of here. I want to get out of here. I am tired of this life of disappointment. I want out of this body, I hate this body. I hate the pain it causes me, WHY CAN’T I HAVE MY HEARTS DESIRE, WHERE ARE WE GOING WRONG, WHAT ARE WE NOT DOING? WHEN DO YOU STEP IN GOD WHEN???????????

The day we received the news

11-30-06

The news came today at 12:45pm I was on my lunch break at work and the call came on my cell phone from Dr. Ary.

You are pregnant but your numbers are low. They should be 75 and they are only 4.3 I don’t believe you will hold this pregnancy.

I couldn’t catch my breath it was caught in my throat as my mind was spinning. Was this really happening to us again? It couldn’t be real, I needed to wake up. Between the words (You are pregnant….. AND….. but your numbers are low.) It is amazing how many emotions can race through your body in a mil-a-second I went from a moment of joy to total devastation trying as best I could to process the nightmare she was explaining to me. In a shaky voice I asked the Dr. to please repeat what she had said so I could attempt to process it. All that kept coming to my mind was NO NO NO this is not happening again. As I hung up the phone the tears of a broken heart let loose and seemed never ending. I called my husband and through sobs told him the news and asked him to please come home as I wouldn’t be returning to work that day and I needed him. NO NO NO……….. I screamed at the top of my lungs all the way home NO NONONONONO……………. God NONONO God why NONONO. No one was around to hear my grief, no one was there to witness the destruction of my soul. Just me alone in my car screaming for answers and slowly coming undone inside all over again. How can I be here again? Four years of nightmares and now a new one to attempt to get through. Why? Where is God in all this? Does he even exists or is religion just a sick joke we convince ourselves is true to somehow get through this heartbreaking life? The rest of the day was spent crying in his arms and talking through our feelings on what was happening to us again. It of course affected me on a different level as it was once again my body that was going through it all. No answers would come to soften the blow of loosing yet another baby. We would only reach deep down to find the strength to once again grieve and move forward. It would be a month before we could try IUI again due to the pregnancy and the loss of it. We were looking towards January as a time when we could begin again.

WHAT within me and without

Hourly on my spirit weighs,

Burdening heart and soul with doubt,

Darkening all my weary days;

In it I behold Thy will,

God, who givest rest and peace;

And my heart is calm and still,

Waiting till Thou send release.

A. H. FRANCKE

WHATEVER thy grief or trouble be, take every drop in thy cup from the hand of Almighty God. He with whom "the hairs of thy head are all numbered," knoweth every throb of thy brow, each hardly drawn breath, each shoot of pain, each beating of the fevered pulse, each sinking of the aching heart. Receive, then, what are trials to thee, not in the main only, but one by one, from His all-loving hands; thank His love for each; unite each with the sufferings of thy Redeemer; pray that He will thereby hallow them to thee. Thou wilt not know now what He thereby will work in thee; yet, day by day, shalt thou receive the impress of the likeness of the ever-blessed Son, and in thee, too, while thou knowest it not, God shall be glorified.

E. B. PUSEY

Tuesday December 26th, 2006 I called the Dr. Office to speak to them as I knew my period was due in a few days. I was told if I started on Friday December 29th that I would have to for go another month because the Dr. would not be in that day. I prayed for the next several days for God to please let my period come a day or two late. But right on time Friday Day 29th of course my period came. I almost couldn’t feel anger this time I just felt complete hopelessness as I just couldn’t see why Gods plan was to put so many walls in our way of a dream of a family. I of course couldn’t feel God in any of this. So another month of waiting awaits us. Another month of unfulfilled dreams, waisted time. I just can’t get my head around any of it and I again just want to run far away from my life.

More journals

01-29-07

Christa,

I did get your message last Thursday I believe on my cell phone. However Mike and I were in the middle of dealing with some very bad news and I just wasn’t up for talking yet.

On Thursday I went into the Dr. to begin our second round of IUI. The first day they just do blood work and a scan so I was in and out quickly. But I received a phone call from the Dr. at about 11:15 that morning while at work. She began to explain to me that my FSH levels were at 11.9 (very high and not good) and that 2 months ago they were at 10.9 (also high) they were very concerned with this because of my age and that it is climbing quite quickly.

You see FSH (follicle stimulating Hormone) is what helps you produce eggs. But when it is high like this it is a sign of very poor egg quality and evidence that I am pre-menopausal at 31. This also helps explain my 3 miscarriages as probably being due to my poor egg quality.

When the FSH levels reach 12, which I am 1/10 of a point away from they do not like to even attempt IVF because the chances of success drop below 10%. So on Friday, Mike and I went in for consultations with our Dr. to talk about what are options are. Basically we were told we are running out of time. And IVF is really the best and only chance we have of success at this point. They don’t know why my body is doing what it is doing but my reproductive organs are acting like a 40-45 year old women not a 31 year old. And I will reach menopause very early in life.

The big hurdles we face right now is weather or not I will respond to the medication they will be giving me to tell my body to produce as many eggs as it can and if I have any good eggs at all. Most women my age with unexplained infertility going through IVF produce anywhere from 15-20 eggs a cycle on IVF. And most of them being healthy eggs from that batch, which leaves them the option of freezing what they don’t use for a later attempt or egg donation. However she told us we will not see that. We will be lucky to get 8-10 eggs and out of those eggs we will be lucky to have 2-3 be healthy.

We will begin IVF next month February, Injections to begin on the 12th and egg Retrieval on the 23rd. We will know by day 3 of the medication if my body is even responding to the massive doses of medication they will be giving me. If I am responding we will move forward. Then it will be waiting to see the results after they take my eggs out once it is time (are any of them healthy, how many) Then it is implantation time and praying that they implant or at least one implants. I am looking at being out of work for at least 2 weeks once they harvest the eggs and possibly sooner depending on what the Dr. say’s and how I am doing on the medication.

Needless to say both Mike and I are devastated at this news and doing our best to swallow it all and prepare to move forward in hopes God will perform a miracle. We need prayer now more than ever. I am feeling very ashamed at my situation and very responsible for all the strain this has and will put on us both emotionally and financially. We are both scared of what lies ahead. I really need you right now to be there to listen and encourage me as you have in the past. But now more than ever. Oh Christa I am so afraid and so broken hearted.

02/08/07

Yesterday we were once again given more disappointing news in our journey. I went in for blood work and a scan to begin the IVF process. I was then told that I have a cyst on my right ovary that is producing estrogen. This has now put EVERYTHING ON HOLD ONCE AGAIN. I will remain on the birth control for another two weeks. At which time I will then go in for more blood work and another scan to see if it has resolved itself. 02/20/07

The reason for putting things on hold is that this cyst and the fact that it is producing estrogen has now compromised my right ovary and would diminishes our chances even more of producing eggs should we continue. The best thing is to wait this out. It is just that waiting is the hardest things to do these days as we try to continue to endure this painful and often unpredictable journey.

Anger, devastation, frustration all came flooding in at the same time as the Dr. told me this news. It’s like I keep reliving a bad dream. Every time we attempt to move forward we get more bad news about my health and things STOP again. I feel like my prayers and my petitions keep hitting the ceiling above and going no where and the prince of darkness just keeps pulling my chain and laughing in my face as I try so hard to move forward.

I called Mike to give him the news over the phone and naturally the words “I am sorry” followed my explanation. He then proceeded to yell at me and tell me not to ever say those words again and that they just piss him off and this is not my fault. He just doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand that I feel responsible regardless of the FACT that I can’t help what my body is doing. He doesn’t get it that I feel shame and guilt and failure every time we get news that further pushes us into the darkness. It is not about FACTS or LOGIC; it is about my feelings and how just naturally because of them, with out even thinking about it, I AM SORRY, just comes naturally out of my mouth. I wish he had more compassion and patience for me in this area because it is really hard to hear him get angry at me when I already feel like total crap.

02/15/07

It’s been hard days waiting this out until my next scan. The birth control makes me feel horrible. Mood swings that come at you at 100 miles an hour. The desperate desire to come out of your own skin, a truly terrible feeling. And then there is the anxiety that I can’t seem to escape. Worried that things won’t be better next week, worried about the $ this is costing and at what chance it could all be for nothing. I am exercising as the Dr. has requested and truly those may be the only times my mind is on something else besides this. I am tired of being in this dark place. I long so much for the sunlight and the renewal of my soul and faith. The constant feelings of inadequacy are wearing at me. Feelings no one seems to understand but oh how they are so real. I mean I am a woman for God sake. We are supposed to be able to do these things. Have and raise children aren’t we? I thought so at least until my road to this deep desire was filled with all these broken dreams and lost babies and the continual wondering if things will ever change for us.

No one sees the truly dark days, and no one really knows how truly dark they can be. The fights and the distance this can create between you and your spouse. The misunderstood ways each of you deals so differently. The isolation you feel from what seems like everyone. The fear you live with daily that maybe this will NEVER happen for you.

Staring IVF in the face I have never been more scared, or unsure of all of this. How will I be able to face failure? How will we move on? Can we move on? Is God going to give us a miracle? Do we deserve a miracle? Who will I be when this is all over (a mother or a lost soul searching for closure and peace in a world that will never include her own children)? These thoughts haunt me. I am suppose to be doing everything possible to de-stress, but this process is full of stress, what if’s, and pressure. How do I escape all this? I want to run away from it all but I can’t.

02/20/07

Mike I am feeling extremely overwhelmed right now. All I keep seeing is all this $$ I am costing us and we really aren't getting anywhere. I feel like an incredible burden and I just feel really angry and sad right now. I am terrified of what lies ahead with the Lupron shot. I know how horrible it was 12 years ago and I don't want to add more stress to your life. I am trying so hard to hold it together but it is not easy. I know you are going through this along side of me but I just feel really alone right now. I don't know anymore I just don't know......................... Kim

Kim I would really like you to stop worrying about the money. We new what everything would cost and that's ok. You're going to have to let things go. Nobody can give you advice on how to do it or comfort you. You have to make a conscious decision to NOT WORRY. You are not alone but I don't know what else to do to make you feel less alone. I love you very much but you need to know that you are SELF-destructing. We have received a lot of bad news but God has promised to never overload us. That means you ARE capable of undertaking this burden but you are being your own worst enemy; you are making the stress on yourself worse. If we do not get pregnant and have our own children, so be it. We will survive and love God nonetheless. Money is fleeting. Please don't lose sight of the big picture.

I love you and I'll see you tonight Love Mike

I logically know I am not alone, but these are my FEELINGS we are talking about. I FEEL ALONE, one because you can’t relate to what I am going through and that is a lonely feeling.

I am not trying to self destruct but all these feelings are real and they come naturally when I am continually faced with more bad news. Plus all these dam medication make me feel like a crazy person too, again something you can’t relate to. I forget what it feels like to feel normal and to have the energy and emotional capability to see clearly. Everything is fogged over for me by medication and emotional exhaustion. I don’t know how else to explain where I am at. I know I can get through this but this is all part of getting through it. This comes with it (feelings). Don’t you get that?

See you later Kim

2/26/07

Mike,

I know you have a busy day ahead of you. I just wanted to ask you to pray for me. It seems that my mornings are the hardest with feeling overwhelmed and the tears just want to come but they can't at work so it is a hard time of holding it together. I wish you were here to hug me.

See you tonight.

Love

K

Sorry, honey. I love you lots and I'm hugging you in my heart.

Birth Control proved to not be enough. I have had to now be on Lupron injections to hopefully get rid of the cyst that still presides on my ovary. As I enter almost 1 week on the Lupron injection I am struggling to hold things together. The shots are so painful and they leave me feeling inhuman. I have hot flashes and night sweats and have had a few break downs of crying as well.

3/1/07

Today is a good day. I had my scan and the cyst is gone. The Lupron worked and I only had to be on it for a little more than a week. I will begin my IVF cycle on 3/5/07.

3/5/07

Today is the big day. I start my injections. I took my AM 450 IUS of Gonal F. injection this morning. It takes me two shots to get in the amount of medication I need. Then I do my PM Menopur injection tonight. The shots are pretty much the same as IUI but just more of then and they hurt because I have to prick my self so many times. I am full of so many emotions. Fear of failure and a desperate need for this to work. Scared how my body will react and how I will deal with it all.

I will be going every other day for blood work and scan until Egg Retrieval which is tentatively scheduled for 3/16/07. My medication will pretty much stay the same up until that time. I hope I am able to do all this and work and stay sain and keep my marriage together. This is so much pressure that words will just never being able to describe all I feel. With so much disappointment in my past and so much on the line, I find the air around me very thin sometimes.

3/14/07

I have been off of work since 3/7/07 after my first apt. for scan and blood work. Dr. Ary said it would give us the best chance of success with my egg production to keep me as un-stressed as possible. It was hard at first to take that. I wasn’t planning on being out until the transfer day and I felt like I was failing already by not being able to do it all. I have really had to look at the big picture and force myself to think of the possibility of a precious baby in the end of all this and that is what really matters right now.

I am on my last day of injections as my Retrieval day is 3/16/07. I am glad to be stopping the shots. My stomach is so bruised up from all the shots I have had to do daily and it is so tender. And it is really taxing to shot up all the time. You just never look forward to it.

3/16/07

The big day. I have to go in for my Egg Retrieval Surgery. Mike and I are both nervous and hopeful as well. I will be put under as they take out my eggs. It is a short procedure about 30 min.

I have just returned home from the surgery. We had great success 28 eggs. We are not sure if all will be good and fertilize but this is much more than even the Dr. expected to get out of me. So we are hopeful.

Now we wait to hear from then tomorrow on how well they fertilized.

3/17/07

We got news today that 12 have fertilized. Now they will watch those and hopefully some will be good and continue to divide and be usable for Transfer on the 21st.

3/21/07

Today is Transfer Day. We have been told we have 4 remaining and that out of those four there are two that look the best. We have decided to implant both of those. The Dr. will watch the other two and if in two days they are still doing well they will freeze them for us to use in the future.

I am extremely nervous as is Mike and we know that the next 10 days are going to be very hard to get through as we wait and see if these little ones will attach and grow.

I have to remain on my back or side in bed for the next 5 days. Getting up only to use the bathroom.

3/25/07

My first day out of bed and a shower. What a difference. It was so hard to be in bed that entire time. I had so many body aches from having to lie so still and I wanted to get up and move in the worst way. I have cried so much in the past days. On Friday 3/23/07 we were told that the remaining two embryos had not made it that they had stopped dividing. This was a heartbreaking day and one filled with terror as we both realize that the little ones they put inside me are our only chance. I feel so much pressure to have this work. I am so tired of my body always failing. Waiting is the hardest thing to do. Tomorrow is my first Dr. apt since the Transfer. They will do blood work to check my Progesterone levels and make sure they are at a healthy point to support a pregnancy should there be one.

3/29/07

Today is my second 3rd visit since Transfer. They will still just be checking my blood work for my progesterone levels. I won’t find out for another 5 days if we were successful.

I am just back from my Dr. apt. it was a hard one. I am feeling so overwhelmed with waiting. It has put such pressure on Mike and I. Trying to find ways to talk about how I feel with him is hard as he is not a talker of feelings. And I feel my body going through so many changes and wondering what each one is. I am scared all the time and I hate it. I told the nurse (Ashley) today that I feel like I am in the “Dark Circle of Hell”. She was so kind and just hugged me and said hang in there it will be ok. So now I am home again and sitting here trying to pull it together to make it through yet another LONG WEEKEND of WAITING.

As I sat trying to pull it together I got a phone call from the Dr. Office. It was Ashley. My heart sank as I was not expecting a call at all. My first thoughts were that something is wrong with my blood work. I stood in the kitchen as the blood seemed to rush away from all parts of my body. “Kim it’s Ashley from Dr. Ary’s office” “Yes” I weakly said. “Is something wrong?” “Well not exactly Kim, you see we snuck a peak at your HCG (Pregnancy Hormone) Levels and we are all here in Dr. Ary’s office to tell you that you are in fact VERY PREGNANT!!!!” And then yells of CONGRADULATIONS from the entire staff were heard echoing through the phone. WOW!!!!! HALELLUIA PRAISE GOD!!!!!!! WHAT A MIRICLE.

Tears have never hit my eyes as fast as I grabbed for the sink to hold myself up. I began to cry uncontrollably. All that could come out of my mouth was “What!!!!, are you sure??????, you mean I am pregnant?” “Yes Kim you are very pregnant. Your levels at this time are even indicative of twins, we will know for sure in a few weeks but everything looks great, now are you ok?” “Yes oh thank you so much, I don’t know what to say” Still crying and trying to feel my arms and legs and face, my surroundings. I hear Ashley once more on the other line, “Kim as long as you are ok go call your husband and celebrate, you did it girl and call us if you need anything ok, we will see you Monday for more blood work” “Yes thank you so much I will” As I hung up the phone I fell to the floor in my kitchen saying “Oh Thank You God Thank you God. Oh my gosh, Thank You God” I sat there for several minutes as I tried to regain some normal composure over myself. My next phone call of course was to Mike. I thought what a pity to have to share such wonderful unexpected news over the phone but this couldn’t wait till he came home it had to be told now.

Then came the calls to my parents and my sisters, my close friend Christa, and then I just sat on the couch and tried to soak in a moment filled with so many different emotions. I am pregnant. It worked. NOW WHAT!!!! We have been here before 3 other times and lost our precious babies. Will God spare us that heartbreak this time? Will we make it through the critical weeks of the beginning? will my body support this baby and possible babies and allow us the chance to experience the miracle of life as parents? I want so badly to enjoy this time yet I am filled with fear. I can tell the next weeks and months, if we are blessed, ahead will be hard and long. But THANK YOU JESUS FOR THE MIRICLE RIGHT NOW.

4/16/07

Today we found out it is indeed twins as I had my first ultrasound and we also heard the heart beats. It was so amazing. These small little dots in my tummy were already two little beating hearts.

Sometimes God wraps His glory in hard circumstances or ugly obstacles or painful difficulties, in grief or suffering or loss, and it never occurs to us that within them is a fresh revelation of Himself. So when the attack is furious, and the pressure is unrelenting, and the pain is unbearable, my spirit is on tiptoe as my heart whispers, "God, what are You going to reveal to me? What do you have for me inside this crisis? My eyes are wide open! This child of God wants to see You..."

The twins Hannah and Gabriel were born November 9, 2007.

God is good.

Minute By Minute

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Round TWO

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Best Laid Plans

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Early Mornings

Friday, August 13, 2010

My Journey through Infertility

High Calling

Enough of Me