Best Laid Plans

Well lastnight was suppose to be my first offical  night out with out kids. Just some mommy time you know. Much needed. I had plans to do dinner with a good friend and just relax for a few hours. I guess things really never work out quite like we have planned in our heads.

The day started with Hannah hearing of my outing and then for the rest of the day she cried about me leaving. When ever the thought entered her mind she would cry "I don't want you to go to dinner mommy, please stay home, can I come with you please" Then the baby cried pretty much all day and slept all of 1 hour by 6pm. So leaving with a crying child and a unslept fussy baby already was not sitting well with me. But I did it anyway.

All the way to dinner thoughts raced through my head of the day and the kids and what still needed to be done and what about this and that and what if this and that. I finally reach the dinner destination and sat down with my friend and felt like a limp rag. So tired and stressed and unable to relax. This is not how "Mommy time should feel, IS IT"

I did my best over the next hour to relax and let go of it all and then it happend. THE CALL.
Mike calls me and I can hear the stress in his voice and I can also hear a crying baby in the background. "Where is their shampoo I don't see it anywhere" I tell him and the phone goes dead. He has hung up. Ok I think. Then I see an unheard text message. And for a moment I think, I shouldn't look at this. But mommy guilt has me by the heart and so I look. It reads....."The baby refuses to do anything but cry....." And at that moment it happened. Any peace and relaxing I had done my best to do was gone. All the guilt flooded in on me like a wave that wouldn't end. Tears stung my eyes and the night, even though only 1 1/2 hours into, had ended for me.

I did my best,believe me to push it away, but I couldn't. All I could think of is. The baby is not eating and he can't stop crying. what am I doing thinking I could actually pull off "Mommy Time" And all the guilt took a grip on me and I tearfully excused myself from a dinner I had so looked forward to.

Now I am struggling wondering how to make this work. I so need time to myself if I am going to survive motherhood. I have such a problem with the Mommy guilt, I just don't know where to turn.

I have a do over "Sort of today" But am having a hard time feeling any sort of peace about it. I feel like I should just take the baby so last night doesn't repeat itself. But then I think " that is not just MOMMY TIME. I am so lost in this mommy journey..........
Growing pains never feel good I guess.